There is a difference between learning about something and getting access to it. There are ways to comprehend that actually give us access to a reality of unity and how it functions right here and right now in the everyday world – even though often hidden from view in the reality of separation we were born into. Liz, a participant in the Architect Spiral, does a great job of presencing the access she got to her reality in new ways in her email to me. I asked her if I could post it in my diary. I loved her insights as well as her humor. Enjoy!
April 25, 2018
Thoughts on the Now
There are so many events and ways of being swirling around in my cells and being right now. I have been listening to the Direct Link Architect call incessantly since Sunday…it has become my morning practice. Inside that, each time I listen, I get visual pings and keep wanting to create a visual mandala, or roadmap of sorts as to what I heard…yes, a road map…this call didn’t lay out as a mandala, though I did feel such a spiraling as each of us shared. I just haven’t had time to put my pencils to paper and play with it.
Tonight’s Tantra Talk was fascinating. At the same time I was listening, I was in a shopping mall having to buy some appropriate attire for two events I am going to in the next two days. This was the only time I had, so I included the both/and of the experience. Tomorrow I am getting a rotary award…very honored, but had nothing to wear that was appropriate. Friday, we are going to my daughter’s school auction and I had nothing to wear for that. So at the same time I am hearing Tantra ask us to take out pencil and paper, I am walking down an escalator. I included it all and knew I would listen again and take notes. I am glad I just listened. I had to include a lot as I listened. Mall music in the background, people talking, the bright lights of a store, but interestingly, those distractions really fell away, and I was buying what I had to buy at the same time as I was very intent upon the conversation coming into the body…fascinating being in the both/and!
A couple of things pinged especially. One about not being able to language something. I had an ah-ha around this. Last week and on Monday, I assessed a colleague’s 4th-grade daughter. We thought the child might have math challenges. I gave her a math test I wasn’t familiar with, so there was a huge learning curve for me, and I wasn’t feeling confident about scoring the test and being able to speak confidently about it. On Monday, I realized I had to give the entire test, and not just a few sections, as I had hoped I would be able to do. As I asked the various test questions, the child would ask these pristine, stellar, stunning questions back that completely clarified the concept being tested. I was stymied as to how to language the thrill I felt when listening to this child, and how to report out on her clarity of being. She is really smart, does not have math challenges, just lacks some confidence in a few skills. As I heard Tantra talk around this way of being, of not being able to give language to things, I realized that not only could I not find the language in the meeting with the mom/colleague this morning, but that it didn’t matter. What I did convey landed perfectly. The mom lit up like a Christmas tree as I fumbled through what I had to say. But more importantly, I realized it was the field we created together, myself and the child, that was what I couldn’t language. There was a crackling electricity when that child asked her beautiful questions. At the same moment, as I felt the energy, I observed her voice resonance and looked at her hands. Inside my being, I heard the words, “She’s perfect!” The clarity that is this child’s field was so pristine, I wanted to weep. What IS that? I know it is something REALLY big! I could sit here and speculate for days about it. But what I want to train my lens on is the way I felt, and what I was present to. It’s a new reality! It’s a new way of seeing/being with a human being! I couldn’t language this to the mom, though if I had said this, she might have gotten it. She knows me well enough to know when I speak, even if she doesn’t hear everything, that I have her children’s best interests in my heart. This whole thing was so magical! I would have to say this is the first time I have felt a child’s field in this way. So I will track this now and see what happens.
The other piece I really got was the conversation around percentages of ways of being. I really like that and want to try it on. The other part of my very long day today at work was that I was feeling vulnerable. I had a latex reaction last night after I was tying latex balloons in preparation for the school auction Friday. Steve got me Benedryl, but my body was feeling a tad out of balance today. I spoke with my eyes, and immune system, thanking them for working on my behalf. I said I knew I was a tad out of balance and said that I would do my best to work with everyone in letting the systems balance out. I know the vulnerability is part of a new recursion coming online, and I allowed myself to just feel the vulnerability and be with it. There were some moments when I became very stressed and felt old paradigm drama come into play around how I was feeling. I recognized it, and immediately thought, okay, what is the good part of this situation? The stress was coming from the paperwork that needs to be done over and beyond what I expected and how was I going to accomplish it all with integrity. I have a new supervisor whom I know and worked with last year. She just started yesterday and met with my team today. She said I would need to generate the paperwork and have three extra meetings I wasn’t counting on. At the same time, I was freaking about having to schedule meetings and do the paperwork, I was saying to myself how thrilled I was to have her on board because I trust her implicitly, and know that she will take our cases to our director and lay them out with integrity. I couldn’t think in percentages, but I could think in duality, non-duality. So as I was telling her I wasn’t certain about being able to write goals for a student that would be accurate enough, she was telling me she knew it would all work out and be fine. I believed her. My whole day has been like this…whole week actually. While one thing would have me become present to stress, the next would mitigate the stress.
While I was shopping, I saw how much money I was spending, and getting nervous about it. The next minute, the cashier worked a deal that saved me a bunch of money. Seriously…the next minute! She even told me when I chose shoes to come up to her and she would discount those too! She gave the shoe guy his commission too and didn’t take it for herself. I promised her I would do a survey on her behalf. Was she just helping me out to do well in the survey? No! That’s the way she was! I was so grateful and told her so.
In another moment on the call…this one is pretty funny, I was trying on a bra because I needed it for the dress I bought. As Tantra was talking about percentages, I literally got stuck! I couldn’t get the bra off! It was hilarious! I had one headphone dangling down the front of me, and one in my ear, as I am trying to be present to not panicking! So…I went, hmmm, what percentage am I stuck here? 50%? Okay…I took some deep breaths, and calmed my breathing, and slowly got myself unstuck. Breathing, laughing, and hearing Tantra and feeling the field all helped me handle the situation! I didn’t get that particular bra size, needless to say!
Being immersed in the language of the field has been wonderful. I feel it inside my cells, inside my mouth, and my hands, and my whole being. I feel it everywhere. It is palpable now.