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  1. Nicole
    12th May 2022 @ 11:17 am

    I think it’s so interesting that you wrote this post just a few days after—and without knowing about—my cardiac incident. I don’t know how your vision works—whether you’re able to tune into individuals in the field or if you just see events sort of pinging in the field, like little markers or bubbles or flares going off—but it was quite extraordinary in this case. Of course, my sense is that these sorts of events happen anytime there are major shifts happening within the collective, but for them to happen in a cluster *in the people that you’re tracking* is pretty unusual.

    And yes—besides the cardiac event, my solar plexus has been going bonkers—mostly with anxiety and terror over the separation from my beloved. But I can see now—and I think I could sense even before reading this—that the terror is actually about separation from the larger field(s) of the Beloved (capital “B”): the field of shared intimacy, love, understanding, mirroring, magic, and belonging. It’s one of my versions of Paradise. As an archetypal outcast/scapegoat, I have been searching for this field all my life, and the few times when I have found it and then been separated from it, there has been absolute terror upon the separation. I feel like I’ve lost my connection to God and am cast out into the outer darkness, the Abyss, like someone cast out of the airlock of a spaceship into outer space without a space suit. I feel the separation most acutely in the heart (hence the cardiac episode) and the solar plexus (hence it going bonkers). I know that, unless I get connected again, I’ll die. And the desperation to reconnect is urgent and overwhelming, like somebody dying of asphyxiation.

    But also, there’s this new awareness of something like a hook—that somehow, if I just knew where it was or how to do it—that I could just reach out with that hook in my heart or solar plexus and “re-snag” that field again. I know you can do this, Tantra—or maybe you’ve never left those fields and never lose them—but I don’t, or at least I haven’t, but there’s a sense that that capacity is starting to come back online. It’s like I reach out with the hands of my heart/solar plexus and try to snag it, but I don’t quite know where it is or how to wave my hands to catch it. It’s like trying to grab a series of multicolored scarves floating through space while you’re blindfolded, or being blind and trying to find the leash of your dog who’s run away from you in the park.

    I’ve been doing a lot of experimenting recently *at a somatic level* with certain magical capacities; I can’t even tell you what they are or what I’m doing—that’s how above (or below) language they are—it’s more like a kid tinkering with a mechanical contraption trying to get it to work. They don’t think about it conceptually; they’re just following the somatic intelligence of their hands and the pieces and getting things to fit. That’s what I’ve been doing with my solar plexus and these certain magical capacities. When things work, it’s brilliant: I make something happen, and I couldn’t even tell you how I did it (usually I’m very good at languaging things). When it doesn’t, there’s panic, right in that spot in my solar plexus. So all of what you’re saying lines up very clearly for me.

    There’s more, too, I think, but I’ll need to watch the video a few more times to remember.

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