…a dream and a journey
One of the characters in the dream was Hugh Grant. I know he was the character in the dream because he was a bad magician in Dungeons and Dragons, a movie I watched a couple of times.
The Dream: I was going to a magic school and I could tell that I could help with a formula for Hugh Grant who thought he could carry the magic all himself and use it for himself. Somehow, I got myself tangled up in trying to fix it and he came after me with dark magic. Then the dream shifted and I was terrified.
Please note, that I am no longer terrified. In fact, like I said when I took Russ to the plane this morning, I was actually quite centered and calm. That doesn’t change my solar -plexus is like a 5-alarm fire feeling danger all around me except here at my home and my torso is shaking. I know it is shaking with remembrance attached to this event with Dakini, but for now, I am just giving it a place where I can watch it but work to not let it dwell in me – buying myself some time.
I also slept after Russ left at 5 a.m. this morning. I couldn’t sleep last night and finally fell asleep at 2 am and up at 4 am but I could feel my care for myself no longer so terribly thrown by what I felt coming at me enough to go back to sleep at 5:30 am and sleep until 10 am.
I have Keven with me who feels like a magic dog this morning protecting me from bad joo joo [spelling incorrectly on purpose to not draw attention to what I am aware of]. Having him feels good – real or not real – it feels good. I say all this because I can feel my stature again, not necessarily strength, but stature. I must have really hit a fissure in the realms of magic that carries a time similar to a memory my body remembers when I was flayed open and the potion made from the power of my solar plexus was used to destroy my people. It is along that line only more active and felt more real.
I think I can let the cellular memory and what is working through me right now stay in my observer more than my craver thanks to Melissa all the people who wrote craving exercises for the craver to move through ‘harm’ into the river of Life where what is life-enhancing and life-generating dwells – increasing in me the power of what is life-enhancing and life-generating as well.
Also tethering felt like a lifeline for me but I didn’t say that…still don’t understand why I would say that. But whatever people did yesterday, what my heart family did, including the strange-looking young man straight out of a Mexican magic hat who towed the RV, and what happened tethering has left me able in two ways.
One is, while still highly at the effect of my body’s memory that is still reactive, I am simply letting anything around the RV go because somehow it hit a fissure of powerlessness that I can ill afford. Second, I said to Maeve this morning on a voicemail on WhatsApp. the magic I am rebuilding to the best of my ability to put into words is between human beings who can once again be cared for and care for others in thought, word, and deed [the realms of the beloveds] and not be turned against each other.
Whatever destroyed the ability of human beings and their ability to care for each other over money, possessions, houses, social status, and even their partners who harm others, etc. – all entrapments, I keep bringing myself there. Whatever happened to me so long ago was really really bad. I know that and now it is up for transmuting the trauma of it into life force energy.
Keven just came over and laid down beside me.
I know I am in a transmutation because the actuality of transmuting showed up in the second part of the dream as really real. I can’t type this without shaking at the horror at the tender tendrils of memory. It is why I have kept my distance from human beings this lifetime. And now, the break with human beings’ ability to belong once again to each other as beloveds of the cosmos and the planet is before me and thanks to the support of this Field of Tantra Maat, and others with capacities, I have a chance.
The second half of the dream[?]
[In reality] I knew I was in my bed. I had turned to face the wall of my bed with my head at the base of the bed so the sun could flow over me like in a sarcophagus [another memory of how to protect myself using the power of the sun to do that- I was drawing what protected me and helped in a transmutation from everywhere]. I knew I would be safe there in the sun in the face of malevolence coming at me with everything it had out of Dakini right outside my window. I also called on the Goddesses – the Dakinis because I knew that naming her wasn’t a mistake – I now know that that it was an act of protection for what was to come.
Dakinis are energetic beings in female form, evocative of the movement of energy in space. In this context, the sky or space indicates ??nyat?, the insubstantiality of all phenomena, which is, at the same time, the pure potentiality for all possible manifestations.
I had finally ‘with the help of my beloveds’, broken through the entrapment of my personal identity that had been caught in feeling betrayed, unsupported, and left to be destroyed with no one there to help me, the terror that has been eating at me far beyond this lifetime.
Vile black thick threadlike fingers of darkness were enraged. I was slipping out of the unconsciousness that I had been at the effect of. The tendrils came at me again and again. I would wait as long as I could with them all around me, but not in me, and capture as much of ‘them’ as I could into a Merkabah and pull myself and the Merkabah and the horror of the evil into the earth beneath me. I watched what happened there. I don’t know what this area of the planet is but it is pulsing with Light for sure. The light from the fissures of the molten core of the Earth Herself came up and devoured the black evil tendrils connected to a malevolent consciousness and a consciousness it was. I saw it in memories of actions others had taken with themselves, others, and Life – all innocent. I held to my own innocence and the innocence of this beloved species I so adored for so many milieus until the break with belonging to what they truly were designed to be -creatures of paradise – began.
“Mer” means Light. “Ka” means Spirit. “Ba” means Body. Mer-Ka-Ba means the spirit/body surrounded by counter-rotating fields of light, (wheels within wheels), spirals of energy as in DNA, which transports the spirit/body from one dimension to another.
I couldn’t move because I had to be so attentive and intentive and precise but I kept imagining taking my pulse in the trinity of the pulse of my own heart [that had been having serious pain last night], the pulse of the planet, and the pulse of the cosmos. I let the terror I felt in my body also go into the Merkabah.
I woke, with the first dream still dreaming itself out in the background of the second dream[?] event. Realizing in that scenario with Hugh Grant that I was repairing the trinity of magic – myself, others, and Life and, while it was not yet completely real, the magicians who work only for their own power were and would be subdued. I remembered remembering in the activity of the second part of the dream that I remember Jesu as an alchemist and knew I would wake up and print out the Lord’s Prayer in Aramaic and be part of restoring that reconnection with the Beloved.
I woke to notice I was no longer quite at the effect of those memories of those times in this new Here, this new Now.
I knew even if I died or the LaMesa Service Department never fixed the RV, or the bank came after my home, I was once again in the right relationship with what I once was a long time ago ‘with O/others in the Field of Paradise’ – formidable. If I had to live through the weakness that most human beings face who are broken from the Realms of the Beloveds, not by their actions but by actions from malevolent forces. Then so be it. I know how to take territory and taking territory I might be able to now once again.